


I Never Thought It Was Possible

by rickbisexualgrimes



Category: The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Grief/Mourning, Hope, Implied/Referenced Character Death, M/M, Regan Week 2018
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-28
Updated: 2018-08-28
Packaged: 2019-06-21 19:59:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,756
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15565323
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rickbisexualgrimes/pseuds/rickbisexualgrimes
Summary: The unspeakable happens and Rick loses whatever hope he had for a better world.  Only for him to find hope in a place that's completely unexpected - Negan.





	I Never Thought It Was Possible

**Author's Note:**

> day 2 - Hope . 
> 
>  
> 
> so i totally deserve tomatoes to be thrown at me for what i did (i can't even say the words) but it was basically a play off andrea's death in the comics. i tend to write shit that's difficult, things no one wants to touch.

"He's drunk and belligerent again. We're all grieving her but it's like no one can talk to him. Daryl,maybe you should go in there and speak to him?" Tara suggested without any confidence that it would work. "I know we're all family but I don't think he'll throw a bottle at you."

 

  
Daryl wiped the tears out of his eyes quickly. "I don't think it's a good idea. He ain't in the mood to see nobody right now..not even me."

 

  
"I'm gonna go in there. Michonne told him not to do this, that Carl would need him and so would we. I've dealt with this before, wouldn't be the first time someone threw a bottle at me." Rosita murmured before heading into Rick's house. "Rick?"

 

  
"G-get out! Whoever it is..get out!" Rick sounded unbelievably drunk and there was a crash that sounded like picture frames falling to the ground.

 

  
The more Rosita stepped forwards into the darkness she worried Rick would lunge in his drunken state. Before she could get closer someone tapped her shoulder and she cursed under her breath when she saw it was Negan.

 

  
"What the hell are you doing here asshole? The last person Rick wants to see is you."

 

  
"It's been a few days and I've come to pay my respects again. I saw Carl and he practically begged me to try to talk to him. The kid's scared that his dad will start hallucinating again."

 

  
"Go ahead and try and then maybe he'll hit you on the head with a bottle."

 

  
Negan didn't even give her a response because why fucking bother? Mostly everyone hated his guts but after what happened it didn't even matter anymore. He served his fucking time and even Rick acknowledged that. Now it was a matter of trying to be there for the man who he grew to really admire. And even more than that he cared about Rick in more ways than one.

 

  
Another crash was heard in the distance so Negan rushed over there without any fear. Having a bottle thrown at him wouldn't scare him away like everyone else. He and Rick had gotten into crazy fights during the war. As long as it wasn't him throwing knives or an axe then he'd been fine. Negan casually walked deeper in Rick's house and found him near the stairs.

 

  
Judging by the way Rick was leaning against the the railing, he was drunk out of his fucking mind. When Negan got close with the assumption that Rick wouldn't lunge. That's exactly what happened. Rick had tackled him to the ground, his breath reeked of bourbon and his face was rapid. He reversed their positions so he was straddling Rick instead. The younger man struggled beneath him angrily until he finally gave up.

 

  
This is how he felt inside when Lucille died on him when the apocalypse began. How fucking hilarious was it that his world and the world ended on the same goddamn day? Negan always found that to be funny in a fucked up kind of way when he thought about it. He planted a hand on Rick's face to wipe away the sweat on his face.

 

  
Instead of angrily rejecting him, Rick just let him lightly clean his face up before he told Rick that Carl sent him. At first Rick seemed surprised and then Negan could tell it dawned on him that Carl was desperate.

 

  
Negan tried telling that it was okay to feel out of control but to not close himself off. The younger man huffed directly in his face and told him that nothing was okay about any of this. That Michonne wasn't supposed to die like that, how she was supposed to live longer than him.

 

  
"She was a fucking great woman, a warrior and she loved you so goddamn much. I know she wouldn't want this for you, Rick. Everyone else is hurtin' just as bad including Carl who barely had energy to speak to me. You should sleep tonight off though 'cause I can tell you drank a shit load."

 

  
"I drank a whole bottle to myself." Rick admitted, not shamefully but still he admitted.

 

  
Negan got to his feet then held a hand out to Rick. "You have every right to drink though if you want a drinkin' buddy -"

 

  
He didn't take it and gave Negan a look that said 'I still can't stand you' so he backed off.

 

  
Offering to help him upstairs was useless, so instead of that he left Rick's place and went to find Carl to tell him to come back home. The kid was just standing around looking lost in his own community. That was to be expected given he'd lost what was clearly a surrogate mom. It broke his heart thinking about how much Carl had suffered during his very young life. And suffering wasn't in a shortage what with the fucking apocalypse.

 

  
Negan assured him that his dad was fine and would sleeping off the booze. The look on Carl's face was relief which meant his work there was completely done. He could go stay in one of the abandoned houses again. At least until Rick told him to finally leave Alexandria and start over somewhere else. Hopefully he'd find use for him even if they treated him like an outsider forever.

 

  
Before he could fuck off to his sort of home, Carl told him to wait so he could say something to him.

 

  
Negan had no idea what else Carl needed from him but he'd there in whatever way he could.

 

  
"I know how you feel about him." Carl had his back turned to him. "About my dad."

 

  
"We don't have to discuss this shit, kid. Besides I got no clue what you're talkin' about anyways." Negan feigned confusion which made Carl turn around. The kid was either super intuitive or it was just really obvious.

 

  
"I don't think he hates you as much as he lets on. So, don't fuck with his head just to get in his...pants."

 

  
Negan didn't have time to really respond to that because Carl left before he could.

 

 

  
He headed back home, alone and with his thoughts and grief for Rick.

 

* * *

 

 

  
Eight weeks later had been immensely different in terms of how Rick was processing Michonne's death. She didn't die without meaning or cause, she got bit saving Eugene who was in peril. The guy had pulled his weight over the past two years from what Rick explained. So it wasn't like she had been saving some asshole who didn't deserve it. Or saving some useless piece of shit.Of course Eugene seemed to feel like absolute shit and almost always avoided speaking to Rick.

 

Negan saw the massive shift in everything now that Michonne had passed away. People were coping with the loss but Rick still slept on her grave most nights. One time Negan attempted to help him get home. Which only resulted in Rick snapping at him that he was fine and didn't need any help. The drunken rages weren't as major now but Rick wouldn't really talk about her.

 

The assignments that Rick gave him around Alexandria were very simplistic tasks or tasks no one wanted to do. People still didn't take to his presence in the community that Rick had built up again after he blew it the fuck up. He didn't blame them one fucking bit anyways.

 

He stretched his arms in the air which made some ladies passing by give him a disgusted look. Not only had Negan never met them ever but he was only stretching his fucking arms so what gives?

 

Surprisingly Rick started to walk towards him with his new weapon in hand. That thing looked so fucking hot when Rick swung it around or even held it for that matter. What a team they would have made if Lucille was still around.

 

When they were standing in front of each other it didn't feel as hostile as it would have long ago. Before Rick would have swung his weapon at him already and tried to tear his throat out. Now they could have a civil conversation without it turning bloody and violent.

 

"Hey, Rick. Making time for a former jailbird are you?" Negan flashed his most charming smile just to see if Rick would react. He only blushed a little but kept a relatively neutral facial expression.

 

Rick cleared his throat and set his free hand on his hip. "Would you be willing to go on a run with me today? I would do it alone but my knee has been hurtin' me and you already know Carl's livin' at the Hilltop now."

 

  
"You got no one else to ask do ya?"

 

  
"Everyone is mostly busy or not here right now. Besides you were supposed to be assigned a lengthy task today so this could be it."

 

  
Negan shrugged because what else did he really have to do today. "Not like I have much of a choice anyways."

 

  
The run apparently wasn't for anything major but they still needed to see what they could find in the way of gardening supplies and other items. Rick explained that the other communities were scheduled to give supplies but not for another month or so. And Rick seemed eager to get these supplies for some reason he wasn't revealing. From what Negan has seen the main garden in Alexandria was flourishing. So what could Rick possibly want?

 

  
Listening to Rick's terrible fucking music was torture so he did the bold thing by turning it off. Rick glared at him before turning it back on and then Negan turned it off again. This was rapidly becoming one of those cliche moments in a movie. What surprised Negan was Rick giving up on keeping his music on.

 

  
Negan held onto the measly knife that Rick gave him for protection. It didn't feel the same having to use anything other than Lucille to kill shit with. There wasn't any re creating the murder bat he named after his deceased wife. Plus she'd probably appear to him as a ghost so she could kick his ass for trying.

 

  
"Why are you so dead set on finding shit for flowers? They can't be eaten or whatever so why does it matter?" Negan watched Rick's face twitch like his question was absolutely stupid.

 

  
"No turnin' back now so it doesn't matter why." Rick answered plainly, his voice lacked the sass that he usually gave Negan.

 

  
Negan left the conversation there because what was the point in getting an argument over that? No goddamn point at all.

 

  
After what felt like hours and hours of driving they came to a halt at a roadside store. Negan had literally never been interested in gardening, not post apocalypse or pre apocalypse. In fact Rick knew that due to him saying 'I'm not growing a garden' when they first met. Obviously since Rick had no one else to come along he was the last choice. Not that he was offended by that shit at the slightest.

 

  
They went inside the store that was very much abandoned, trashed and had shit all over the damn place. No walkers were in sight but both Rick and Negan had their weapons on hand. If some asshole tried something they'd both get the jump on them for fucking sure. Negan examined the shelves but wasn't finding much in the way of gardening. He saw a couple packets of seeds that he shoved into his pocket. Not wearing his leather jacket anymore was also something to get used to.

 

  
The place didn't have much important packets, only a couple of flower seeds that Rick scrambled to shove into his own bag.

 

  
Negan went to question Rick then a walker clumsily walked through the door. It was growling and its jaw was dripping some disgusting muck of whatever it last ate. The skin on it was so discolored that it made Negan's stomach curl. Almost like it was never a person to begin with. He took care of it by walking towards it, holding its slippery neck and shoving his knife through its forehead. The walker dropped to the floor with a thump.

 

  
They got so fucking lucky that the place wasn't swarming with walkers or even that a horde wasn't close by.

 

  
He told Rick he'd be waiting out in the vehicle because there didn't seem to be anything left to find. Though instead of following him, Rick kept looking like flowers were the most important fucking thing. Negan rolled his eyes due to not understanding what the goddamn point was to this. Back at Alexandria there was plenty of tasks for him to do, Carl probably needed Rick and here they were searching for flowers. Michonne would probably tell him they should head back home.

 

  
Twenty minutes later Rick came walking out of the store with his bag and a snot covered face. Clearly he'd been crying but Negan didn't want to ask him what was wrong. That question was already answered.

 

  
During the drive back to Alexandria they didn't speak about a single fucking thing, not about the seeds, not about the reason Rick needed them or whatever. Everything wasn't peachy fucking keen, that's all that Negan really knew for certain.

 

  
Negan shook his head out of frustration, "Pull over."

 

 

"No." Rick grounded out with his teeth clenched. "We're almost there."

 

 

"Pull the fuck over!"

 

  
With an angry slam on the brakes the tires made a fucking squealing noise and they were  stopping.

 

  
Negan didn't wait for Rick to ask him why he was so mad or why he asked him to stop. "Tell me why you needed those goddamn seeds. Anything could have fucking happened today. If you had died for some seeds to plant some stupid fucking flowers then I woulda killed you myself."

 

  
"That makes no damn sense and it's none of your business why I needed them!" Rick yelled almost directly in his face.

 

  
"Is this for Michonne? Are you out here looking for seeds for - "

 

  
Before Negan could utter another word or even say her name again he felt a fist collide with his face. The impact caused him to yelp then instinctively he cupped his face where the pain was. More than likely he deserved that for speaking her name so simply. This is how he would have acted if anyone mentioned Lucille in the early days.

 

  
"Don't you ever speak her name again or I'll knock your teeth out."

 

  
It had to be one of the worst ideas that Negan's ever had but he decided to keep going for Rick's sake. One of the only people that deserved his aggressive behavior was him. For all he'd put the man through prior to Michonne's death was enough. So he asked Rick the question again and again until he couldn't really take anymore. Rick's punches weren't even impactful after the fourth time. He just kept pushing against Negan who stayed still in the passenger seat. Until he broke down and cried into his shoulder.

 

  
Negan held onto to Rick as much as he was allowed to, stroked his curls and told him it'd be okay. Soon the moment escalated which Negan knew was only because Rick was grieving. Lips were pressing against the most sensitive part of his neck. Almost every part of Negan wanted to let it all go so he could finally have Rick.

 

  
Though as much as he hated to admit it, that would be taking advantage.

 

  
He managed to push Rick back completely so he was all the way in the driver's seat.

 

  
Rick stared at him with utter confusion, "For once you're takin' the moral high ground?"

 

  
"You seem to think I'm the shittiest person alive so it may come as a shock but yeah. As much as I want you, for me to do that would just be unbelievably fucked up. Michonne has been gone for a couple of months. You need to take the time to grieve her so you can move on instead of becoming me. Next thing you know you'll be naming that bad ass weapon of yours after her. "

 

  
"Negan, please - "

 

  
"No, Rick, you need to hear this shit 'cause no one else is gonna tell you. She would want you to move on but in order for you to do that you'll need to feel it. A moment ago you were feelin' it then you tried to forget it by using me. If you were gonna do that shit I'd want it to be 'cause you actually want me. Not 'cause you're missing someone ten times better than I'll ever be." Negan explained the best he could and waited for Rick's response.

 

  
"Thank you for stoppin' me. She woulda been - she woulda been impressed." Rick swallowed hard before turning the keys in the ignition and driving them back home.

 

* * *

 

 

The day after their run they worked on planting those flowers and Rick explains the reason why he needed to do this.

 

  
"Michonne wanted to plant flowers. That's why I got the seeds."

 

  
"I know, Rick, I know."

 

* * *

 

  
A week later Rick invited Negan over for lunch so they can just talk. Carl of course keeps peeking in on them to make sure nothing happens.

 

 

Which only causes Negan to hit on Rick even more.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Two months later people start whispering about why they're spending so much time together.

 

* * *

 

 

A month after Negan is confronted by damn near everyone that loves and cares for Rick. They tell him not to mess with his fucking head or pretend that he actually gives a damn about him. Those words only cause him to lose his shit on Rosita more specifically, who has always had it out for him.

 

Then Daryl punches him in the face, before he could even defend himself he got another punch. And another and another. The whole thing ends in Rick stopping the fight.

 

  
Daryl's irritation becomes directed at Rick. "Are you kiddin' me?!"

 

  
"What the hell, Rick?" Rosita growled. "You can't see that he's still a monster and that's he using you? Michonne would - "

 

  
Negan watched as Rick sunk at the mention of his dead lover. Not even a moment later Rick's urging Negan to come back to his house so he can get cleaned up. All the people that were gathering up to watch the debacle, dispersed.

 

  
When they got to Rick's place, Carl's was standing around in the kitchen and is startled by Negan's banged up face. Some blood drips out of Negan's nostril which makes it look worse than it is.

 

  
"What happened to him?" Carl asked his father with mostly curiosity.

 

  
"Daryl and Negan got into an altercation." Rick deeply sighed. "Can you grab the first aid kit from the bathroom for me? Please?"

 

  
Carl glanced between the two of them then nodded at his dad before retreating.

 

  
"Why'd you help me?" Negan wanted to genuinely know why Rick was helping him at all or even giving a shit for that matter. Not like he'd ever given him a reason to be kind like this.

 

  
Rick avoided the question entirely and went back to checking him. "We need to get you cleaned up. Hold still so I can check your nose to see if it's alright."

 

 

"Answer the question. Why are you fuckin' helping me? I thought you hated my guts and wanted to rip them outta my stomach?"

 

 

"Your nose looks fine from what I can tell. Daryl didn't get a chance to break it but I hadn't showed up he woulda done just that."

 

 

"Rick. Please."

 

  
"Do you want the long answer or the short one?" Rick looked into his eyes briefly before going back to staring at the developing bruises.

 

 

"Whatever you wanna give me." Negan knew that sounded like a double meaning.

 

  
"Ever since Michonne died, a part of me left too. She was the one person that I knew would stick by me. Whether we stayed together til we got old or not. But just like Lori she had to be taken away from me by circumstances I couldn't control. When you rejected me in the car a couple months ago I didn't have any hope. All I wanted to do was drown in somethin' else so I could stop drowning in what once was. Now I actually have it."

 

  
"What do you have?"

 

  
"Hope. I have hope."

 

  
Negan gulped down the lump in fucking throat, "Are you sayin' that you have hope now 'cause of me?"

 

  
"I can't believe I'm sayin' this at all but yeah I am. The more we've been spending time together I realized that you ain't the same man I met on my knees. That Michonne and I made the right call by lettin' you live." Rick went to say something else then Carl interrupted by bringing the first aid kit. "Thank you, Carl."

 

  
The kid say 'you're welcome' before retreating since he could tell they were having a private conversation. Rick got Negan cleaned up then told he could stay for a glass of lemonade if he wanted to. That was something Negan couldn't decline, battered up or not. So he took a seat at the kitchen table while Rick went to pour the lemonade for them.

 

  
As Rick started to pour the lemonade, Negan just watched him in awe because the one person he wanted to prove himself to was seeing him differently. He didn't look at him like the man who killed two people he loved. Or the man that used to take half his shit. Rick was seeing him with entirely different lenses.

 

  
All he wanted to do was take Rick into his arms and kiss him so tenderly he'd forget what day it was. But he relented for now due to nervousness about scaring Rick and making him run.

 

  
He patiently waited for Rick to bring the glass of lemonade over to the table. This was the moment he had wanted that day he showed up and cooked spaghetti in his kitchen. Only different because he didn't want to irritate Rick or do anything that would bother him.

 

  
"Me too." Negan blurted out which got Rick's attention. "You've given me hope too, Rick.  I never thought it was possible.

 

  
A short lived smile spread across Rick's face before he went back to sipping his lemonade.

 

 

And for now that would be enough for Negan.


End file.
